A Subtle Shift
Is anybody still out there???
I know I left you.
But I’m not.
I have been shifting, rolling with the tides, coping with changes, enjoying life in the quiet moments, going where time is directing me to go, starting down paths unknown and scary and exciting.
Suspended, waiting for the inevitable change coming to my husband’s job at the end of 2013…preparing financially for the possibility of unemployment, but even more for the life that is coming for us so quickly, whether we will it or not. A sixteen year old Junior does that to you. You see her driving, having relationships, morphing into an adult before your very eyes, and you realize that child number two and child number three’s “little person time” will end as quickly as the sixteen year old Junior’s did, and suddenly you are hit with the unmistakable fact that they won’t need you forever. That your time will once again be your own…maybe not yet, maybe not soon, but it will feel “soon” nonetheless. And you begin to develop new dreams.
The dreams you dreamed in high school, in college, as a newly married couple have all been realized if you are as blessed and fortunate as we have been. Time for some new dreams. Imagining the second half of my life is somehow so much more foggy than the imaginings for the first half of my life.
I was going to be a teacher. Check.
I was going to teach in my home school. Check.
I was going to get married and raise a family. Check.
I was going to buy a two story old house with character and charm and make it our home. Check.
I am going to own a lake house. Ummmm….is that REALLY what I want? Another house to take care of…another huge expense when I could save that money for travel…
I am going to travel all over the world. Ummm….not yet, but if we play it smart, we should be able to later. But what if we have no later? What if…maybe now is the time to do it, with the kids…
I am going to go back to teaching. Ummmm….maybe not. Is that where I am being “called?” If I listen carefully, I think, perhaps not.
So I’ve been shifting. Some of my dreams are no longer my dreams…and that’s okay.
I’ve spent six years home in Mommy mode…cleaning, cooking, tending. Lost myself somewhere along the way and my body got pretty ticked off about it. The journey of regaining my health has been a long and arduous process, but one I am proud of. Shifting.
I enjoyed photography along the way, and I still do, but needed a break. It became more from the head and less from the heart, and that isn’t what art is. When my heart is ready to pick up the camera again, it will. Shifting.
Writing also became more from the head…not what I want it to be. A task, a chore, rather than a release. Trimmed back, cut it out. Dabbling a bit again…writing from the heart.
This spring I was elected to our local Board of Education. It reignited a spark in me that has been squelched for six years…education is my love, my passion, a part of my soul. I haven’t felt whole without it. So I’m going back. I have applied to my alma mater, SUNY Plattsburgh, to work towards my Certificate of Advanced Study in School Building Leadership. I’m going back to school, and I haven’t been this excited about anything in a very long time. Shifting.
Will I be an administrator someday? Who knows? My new dreams are not nearly as fully formed as the old ones were. My future is foggy…I am preparing, but God has not yet unveiled what I am preparing for. He is simply sending me down this path and I am blindly following, trusting that all will be revealed in time.
The kids are getting older, self-sufficient, involved in their own wonderful things, and I now have the time to devote to something that is all for me. Shifting indeed.