A Phoenix Burning

So much So much So much to say But where oh where oh where to start?

I know y’all are flocking over here (I use the term “flocking” loosely) expecting to see some Disney photos and recaps of my two-week-long Mouse Extravaganza, so I am sorry about the left turn I am taking at the moment, but seeing as how I *just* got all thousand or so off my camera yesterday, and began uploading *some* of them to Flickr today, I can’t quite wrap my head around where to start.

So, I am starting where my head is at, and that is nowhere near Disney.

My head is here…

This is Mister Baby Boy around one year old….drooling, teething, delightful, darling boy.

This is Mister Big Boy now…

Isn’t he charming??  LOL

In all seriousness, I love this photo because it captures my boy in all his emotional glory.  He remains one of the most delightful, darling boys, but now he has a personality that never hides it’s feelings.  And this photo catches him in one of his disappointed, irritated moments.  He did NOT want to get off that ride!  (Speedway Cars for those wondering.)

My sweet boy is on my mind tonight because he starts Preschool in the morning.  He is VERY excited, and I am praying that his excitement translates into an easy transition and a love of his new bit of independence, separate from Mommy for two mornings a week.

And I must confess to feeling a little guilt.  You see, I know that Mommies seeing their last born off to Preschool for the first time are supposed to be sad and melancholy…they are supposed to be worried sick and unable to sleep for thinking of their little sweetie having to face the big, bad world alone.   But here I am tonight, suffering a guilty conscience because (she says in a very low whisper hoping nobody will hear) I’m so excited I could pee my pants!! (She looks around with her hand to her mouth, not believing she uttered such words out loud.)

Yes, I am EXCITED, and I feel like a very bad Mommy indeed.  But you see, if all goes well (meaning he loves it and is happy and learning wonderful things) this will mean FIVE WHOLE HOURS A WEEK to myself! Five whole  HOURS!!  I haven’t had five whole minutes to myself in at least three and a half years.  And this summer, I haven’t had five whole SECONDS to myself with all three of them home.  When I was a working Mom, I had moments to myself throughout the day.  The ride in the car to work, bathroom breaks, lunch with friends (even if it was in the faculty room.)  But since I’ve been home, I don’t have a moment, waking or sleeping, alone.  I am not complaining, truly, as I feel so blessed to be home, but as I ponder the possibilities—-I get all twizzlesticked at the thought of aloneness.  I don’t even know what I will do, but whatever it is I will cherish the ability to do it ALONE.

Go to the bathroom…ALONE.  Maybe I’ll even read a magazine in there!!!!

Do laundry…ALONE.  Ten times faster than usual with my helper.

Watch TV…ALONE.  No Disney Channel!

Eat chocolate…WITHOUT HAVING TO SNEAK IT!!!

Lay on my couch with a book!!!  And actually READ it!

Oh, the Places I’ll Go!  Panera for breakfast with a friend!  Target, without having my darling boy begging for a Matchbox!  The Chocolate Mill!  The Bookstore!  The Library!  Grocery Shopping!! Alone-alone-ALONE!!!!

WhooHoo!

And you know, as I type all this, I laugh at myself, knowing that tomorrow I will cry in the car all alone after I drop him off and the reality strikes me.

My house will feel too empty without him here.

The car rides won’t be nearly as much fun alone.

Getting groceries will be a bore alone, without my little boy asking a zillion questions and “helping” me with the cart.

I won’t want to waste the free time reading a book or watching TV when I could get ahead on housework, or use the time to exercise at the Y.

Ah, well…

Maybe being alone won’t be all that great after all….but I’ll do my best to make the most of it.  😉

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4 responses

  1. Oh yes, being alone WILL be that great! Maybe not today, but give it a few days to get used to, and you won’t want to spend that alone time doing housework, when you could read a book, or go to Target to just browse, not because you need anything 🙂

    September 10, 2010 at 5:07 am

  2. LOL! So, a mom who FINALLY admits this!! 🙂

    Yes, a small part of you will be sad but I think this is a very healthy attitude to take. Afterall, the most important job you have as a parent is to raise strong, independent, self-reliant children and it starts here…baby steps. Enjoy your new-found freedom! 🙂

    September 10, 2010 at 10:52 am

  3. Renae

    Amen, Sister! A-MEN!! I’m right with you. My little guy is now going three days a week, four hours a pop…(don’t hate me) TWELVE whole hours a week! I’m absolutely giddy with excitement.

    September 14, 2010 at 8:37 am

  4. You are not a bad mommy for thinking those thoughts! We all think them! I went back to work part time before my youngest was in preschool, but on the days when both kids were in school but I was off from work, I felt like “Wahooo!”

    September 14, 2010 at 3:59 pm

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