A Phoenix Burning

What is the MATTER with Me?!

I’m so SAAAD!!!!!!!  My girls are off to their first day of school, and I’m SO SAD!!!  I have NEVER cried on the first day of school…not when they each went off to Kindergarten, not when I tough loved them to school through belly aches and other anxieties.  I am not one to cry on their birthdays and lament the fact that “my babies are growing up.”  I usually greet the first day of school with excitement for them, and a few little butterflies on their behalf, but I’ve never been SAD.  Well today I’m SAD!!!  I keep telling myself, “Come on Duba, pull yourself together!!!!”  But I’m having a hard time…they’ll never know it.

Maybe it’s because Big Girl is no longer in elementary?  She headed off to Middle School today.  And she was scared.  She was most nervous about the bus ride with the bigger kids.  I could’ve caved…I wanted to cave and drive her, but we raise our kids to be independent and to trust themselves to handle uncomfortable situations and come out stronger for it.  I didn’t cave, but sent her off on her three minute bus ride to school with a smile and a wave (no blowing kisses anymore for her, cause that would be embarrassing…)  But I feel her nerves and wish I could wave my magic wand and take them away. 

And of course, I second guess myself and torture myself with guilt.  “Maybe I should’ve driven her this first day.”  Shoulda coulda woulda’s…the bane of a mother’s existence.

Then Little Girl went off, swallowing down a tear, because she’s headed off to school for the first time without her big sister.  “Maybe I should’ve driven her this first day too.”  I feel her heartache, and wish again that I could wave my magic wand and take her sore misser away.

So maybe my tears are of regret more than anything.  Maybe it’s because the reality that my babies are growing up just smacked me dead in the face today.  Maybe my misser is a bit sore too.  😦

Now, I’ll pull myself together, run some errands, and bake some cookies so they have something yummy to come home to.  And I will not do this tomorrow.

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6 responses

  1. Aww, you’re making me all teary-eyed, too. First days of school are always a little sad, especially when you’re sending then little ones off to school.

    September 4, 2008 at 2:01 pm

  2. Anywho

    Ugh! I wasn’t sad until a little girl came along with her Dad and just lost it. Thank goodness I had my sunglasses on. Little Bro had a great first day of K, and told us everything. Picking up Big Bro soon, as we do not have buses. He was nervous, and it was weird not watching him go in the building as I had to be with Little Bro. A little pang in my heart. Wait until they go to college girl! Double ugh!

    September 4, 2008 at 2:20 pm

  3. Anywho: Glad to hear Little Bro did so well on his first day!! I was thinking of him and wondering how our Kindergartner would do! 🙂 They’re growing up too fast. I can’t even *think* about college! We’ll have to plan that trip to Scotland then to ease the pain. *laugh*
    And an update on my girls’ day:
    Big Girl had a tough day…HATES the bus with the obnoxious, swearing teenagers and nasty bus driver…might have to figure something out there.
    Friend drama is starting already, and locker trauma, and a “weird” teacher…”It’s just not comfortable there” was how she summed up the day. I’m sure she’ll get used to it, but right now she’s missing familiarity, and the warm environment of elementary. On a scale of 1-10, she gave her day a 4 and a half. 😉
    Little Girl had a great day, loves her teacher, but was plagued by a bloody nose on and off all day. Yikes! Lucky it wasn’t one of her doozies. But you know what that means…sinus infection is likely. Ugh! She came home with a pounding headache. We’ll see how she’s looking tomorrow. Would hate to have her miss Day #2.

    September 4, 2008 at 4:49 pm

  4. karma

    Its funny which moments cause the waterfalls to go. I’ve surprised myself at times by crying when I never thought I would (my own wedding for example, pretty much bawled all the way through it!) and by not crying when I thought I would (examples don’t jump to mind at the moment…hmmm). I’m sure big girl will get used to middle school – in the school where I teach, middle school starts in 6th grade and they all come in nervous and on their best behavior. Then, they start feeling comfortable and we see the “real” kids!

    September 5, 2008 at 7:21 pm

  5. Time marches on. The song is true….You’re Gonna Miss This, with “This” being today while your girls look towards tomorrow. Hugs to you and all the Moms & Dads this past week.

    September 6, 2008 at 12:14 pm

  6. stphoto, thanks!
    So often I’ve heard parents say they can’t wait for the kids to head off to school…I’ve never been able to relate to that. Thankfully! lol

    September 8, 2008 at 8:53 am

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